Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
