Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
