so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
