Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
