I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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