If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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