Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
