YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
