Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
