Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
