Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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