Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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