I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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