just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
