my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sobbing to NWA
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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