Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
