I looked at my own cervix.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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