i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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