She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
