I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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