I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Who died my cat blue again?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
