the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
