I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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