First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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