five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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