Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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