I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
