She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
farters have to be the big spoon...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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