What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
