$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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