i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I did not marry a roomba.
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