Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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