I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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