Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
