I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
