I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
