A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
