When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
