I wish my penis had an off switch
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
