somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
