go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
