Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
