The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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