I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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