i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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