Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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