dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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