just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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