We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
