I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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