I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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