Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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