You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Randomize
