I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
