you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
