ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
