i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
