All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
