also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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