She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
