I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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