I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
