I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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